I'm all alone for the first time in four years. The Crush ended things yesterday, and even though I wasn't anywhere close to being in love with him, I feel like i've had my heart wrenched out. I'm not unfamiliar to this feeling...I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 and a half years and in that time he cheated on me, and broke up with me three times. And i LOVED him - i know what it feels like to have a broken heart. This isn't a broken heart but its a wounded heart. I really, really liked him :( We had all the signs of a relationship. We saw each other regularly, i'd had dinner with his best friend and his partner, i'd met his siblings, my parents had had dinner with his mum, we'd been on holiday (I'm left with a printed photograph of us on a camel..me looking so happy, him looking as miserable as the camel, what do i do with it? I've hidden it away in my bedside drawer for the time being. Burning it is excessive and i dont feel ready to throw it away just yet...) we spent a happy fireworks night letting off our own fireworks in his garden, nearly setting fire to ourselves and firing a rocket that the wind took inches away from the neighbours Sky dish. I was so happy. He was happy. If i could turn back time to Sunday morning when I changed everything..well, i dont know if i would. I would because i'd still wake up happy, knowing that I had such a gorgeous guy in my life, but in reality i wouldn't because in the longrun me and my heart are much better off. He had underlying family issues, couldnt commit to an actual relationship (for the last six months we've been 'seeing each other'..practically a couple in every way, or so i thought) and that because he didnt like me enough to be able to open up about things, he said he wasnt sure about our future. Essentially I was a distraction from unhappy thoughts. In a way im so glad I was able to take his mind off things and make him happy, but at the same time i'm gutted that what i thought was the makings of a happy relationship was infact never ever going to turn into one. If i'd never asked him why he wont commit to being my boyfriend, i'd still be blissfully unaware that me and Crush were going nowhere. Sure we liked each other lots, we had fun, but we were going nowhere. It was like a slap in the face. I cried, he cried, it seemed so stupid that two people who really liked one another were 'breaking up', completely illogical.He drove me home, and as we pulled up outside 'Stereo Heart' came on the radio and i jabbed the button for silence, i can't listen to that song right now. I cant think about fireworks, or Lanzarote, and if i smell Paco Rabanne's One Million aftershave i'm bound to have an emotional breakdown. I sat in his car, made one last desperate attempt to see if the situation could be rectified, and he said 'i cant give you what you need, what you deserve'...and with that I leant over to hug him, kissed him (why did i do that? why?? I couldnt bare the thought of not getting to kiss him again, he was a bloody good kisser) and got out of the car. I don't think i've stopped crying since. People at work are sympathetic. My friends are diamonds. The consensus is the same - 'you can do so much better' 'hes not worth it' 'theres a million other guys out there who would kill to take his place'. Funnily enough the day before, I had a mystery 'package' delivered to my office...in the form of the most beautiful bouquet of 12 red roses. Initially the source was a mystery, but now I know who it is, and it truely did what it was intended to do, made me smile on a day that was otherwise very unhappy.

There are people who care about me, and i'm so, so greatful for that.
It's hard though, so so hard. To go from talking to someone every single day, to not talking at all, and wishing so hard that their name would flash up on a text on my phone. But theres no point, talking to him wont change how he feels. Now im free to meet someone who does want to be with me, and want to care about me the way i want to care about someone. I just want to fall in love again, without the cheating and the breakups this time please, and be happy. I just want to be happy. At least Molly makes me happy.

Birdy - Skinny Love
Ed Sheeran - A Team
Maroon 5 - Moves like Jagger
Jennifer Rush - Power of Love
Jason Derulo - Don't Wanna Go Home
Dappy - No Regrets In the Dark - Dev

HOLA

Hola! I have returned from my jaunt abroad to the sunny climates of Lanzarote, complete with a tan - happy days! Had a lovely time although the luxury 5 star hotel we were expecting turned out to be less 5* in some respects (food!!!) but that aside, the weather was a wonderful 33 degrees at its hottest, and i got to spend 9 days in the company of the Crush, who i feel it is time i introduced to you all after months of banging on about how much i fancy him. So...this is Jon.

Soooo handsome. Swoon. Other holiday pics, including our gorgeous massive hotel room:

Maroon 5 ft Christina Aguilera - Moves Like Jagger
Whilst I feel that my aversion to coffee in its many forms (lattes, cappucinos, americanos, no thank you) segregates me from my fellow London commuters as I am about the only person without a copy of the Metro in one hand and a Starbucks in the other, I regain my (largely female) typical London commuter status in my love for Stylist magazine.

It makes the otherwise unpleasant journey sandwiched under a random mans armpit on the tube a lot more bareable, particularly if its anything like todays issue containing an interview with the lovely Sarah Jessica Parker (love love love)
With exactly two weeks to go til the holiday with Crush, i am eager to put in an intensive two weeks of hardcore exercise in order to be ready for two weeks of living in bikinis. I have started boxercise, or at least my own version of this. I have some little girly Reebok weights which I box with to the soundtrack of the Kiss top 40. Jason Derulo - Dont Want to Go Home is a particularly good boxercising tune!! Not only is it giving my arms a nifty little work out but it is a great stress buster.
Anyone got any sure-fire tips and tricks for getting bikini fit in two weeks?! please do share!

Debit card abuse...

This weekend I have been very naughty and been shopping both days. On the Saturday I convinced Crush to go shopping for holiday bits and pieces. Instead of buying anything he needed (t shirts, swimming shorts etc) he bought a pair of designer Police sunglasses, tut tut. They looked really hot but designer sunnies are just so expensive! On that trip I literally only bought one thing - one of those Sleek Pout Polishes (barely there, or barely nude, or whatever its called I cant remember..smells lovely!) Today I went out locally with my mum and my brothers girlfriend, and ended up spending a small fortune..

I have been after chocolate Uggs for agesss. They are one of those things i always pick up, look at longingly, then put right back down because the price tag is a joke. £160?! No thanks. These are Bearpaw, which are a really good brand and are essentially exactly the same in terms of style and quality, but £40 in TK Maxx. Love them!

The mens version of this, 1 Million, is incredible. It makes me sniff strangers on the train haha (wierdo, much?) so after about 50 times of going into Boots, spraying this onto a card, smelling it, liking it, and not buying it, i finally bought it. Not at good as the mens version but still a lovely fragrance.

These gorgeous pink straighteners I bought from the wholesale store that my hairdresser works part time at. They are professional straighteners and were..wait for it..£15!! The wholesalers literally bought so many themselves that the bulk price allows them to sell them so cheaply. I figured id get a backup pair for when my GHDs give up on life. Plus they are pink, love them!

Im backkkk

Hey there!

Computer has decided to let me log on - it still wont let me publish posts so will have to publish this via iphone but its a start!
How have you all been!?
I've had a crazy couple of weeks workwise. The football season has literally kicked off so its all go. Gary Lineker has returned to our studio, always a pleasure to have the king of Walkers crisps flitting in and out of the office :D
Soo many celeb spots as well...it literally is my new favourite hobby. The Crush also loves a good celeb spot so it's almost a competition of who can spot the more famous people. Yesterday he beat me by spotting Sienna Miller in Soho when I spotted Peter Andre in the cafe at work..his was slightly more A List!

On Saturday I was literally in celeb spotting heaven - Crush took me to Sainsburys Super Saturday in Clapham Common and we spent the day in VIP as he got the tickets through work. It was literally A-Z list heaven. As soon as i walked in, the Sugababes were to my left. The Wanted were to my right. Una from the Saturdays was right beside me. Alex Reid was beside me at the bar. The highlight for me though was...wait for it...Nanny Pat from The Only Way is Essex!!!

Larry Lamb

The relatively hot one from The Wanted
The other major update in my life.....me and the Crush booked a holiday together! We are still on 'seeing each other' terms but hopefully this holiday will seal the deal. We are off to Lanzarote to a gorgeous 5* hotel for 9 days of pure bliss

So so so so excited!

I fixed my posting issue - happy days!
Turns out Internet Explorer is crap and Mozilla Firefox is the way foreward!
The only issue im having now is that blogger won't let me upload any pictures, is anyone else having this issue?! It basically just stays on the uploading page and doesn't actually upload anything. Tres frustrating.

Hopefully posting will resume as normal once this issue has been diagnosed - cant wait to get back into blogging!