Sunday, 27 November 2011

I've had a fairly quiet weekend as I was ill with a sickness bug for the end of last week. It probably did me the world of good to be at home - not only because I was struggling to eat anything but so I could cry my eyes out in the comfort of my bedroom. By Saturday I was beginning to feel a little better, so my mum took me on a trip to Essex to cheer me up. I totally abused my bank balance on some wonderful new purchases (a Lipsy fur coat, winter PJs, CK Euphoria perfume -amazinggg- and various other bits and bobs) Not only that but she then took me to Brentwood to visit Minnies Boutique. If you dont watch The Only Way is Essex you probably wont have heard of Minnies but basically two of the sisters in the show have a little clothes shop (and when I say little i mean LITTLE, it is tiny) There were so many people in there you can barely move. I was lucky enough to go when Billie Faiers was working in there so I got my pic taken with her and got her to sign my cute new Minnies notebook.

She is absolutely stunning in real life! Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have seen the unedited version of this but i was makeup-less and looked horrific, so photo editing was much needed! Back to work tomorrow, kind of nervous, but annoyed that i've let this break up impact my job - it's just frustrating when everything at work reminds me of him.
Also, RIP Gary Speed..he worked on our show a couple of times and seemed a really nice guy, so sad for his family.
Hope you all had a nice weekend - and have a great week :)

Friday, 25 November 2011

Almost three weeks, one drunken encounter & a river of tears later, i am only just finally coming to terms with the fact that ex-Crush and I are over. Its tough. Sleep has become my favourite hobby - nothing is real whilst your sleeping and for a few seconds when I wake up I can pretend i'm still happy. Until the realisation that I am alone and Crush-less hits me like a bullet. There is a huge, gaping empty Crush-shaped void in my heart that needs to heal and close before I'll ever be able to invest that much time and emotion in someone ever again. The only thing that could make this whole sorry situation a little less painful would be one or all of One Direction teleporting to my bedroom for a cuddle.
In order to ease the pain of my wounded heart, I went shopping...
Saw this purse in River Island and fell in love - gorgeous black suede & leather with pink studs. Love love love it. Who needs a man when you have shopping? And magazines, books, chocolate orange and a Molly to snuggle with..

Friday, 11 November 2011

Turn it around with another round

Thank goodness its Friday and that horrible week is over! Work is not the place to be when you are emotion-central, blubbing uncontrollably. ESPECIALLY when you work with an office full of men and have to pretend that you have a cold (very unconvincingly, i might add) Luckily most people have been fantastic and supportive, and my friends have been absolute diamonds. Also a want to thank both Emma & Abby for their lovely comments on here and on Twitter. Thats one thing I love about the blogosphere, you can find support and kind words in people youve never met, it's lovely. So I managed to only cry once today, which is a bloody good effort if i do say so myself. He text me yesterday, checking to see how I am. Rather than tell him im an absolute emotional trainwreck, i ignored him. Until this morning, when I realised that later on down the line I didn't want us to have bad feelings and didn't want him thinking im a dick for ignoring him. I also didnt want to answer his stupid question (of course im not okay, you goon) so I simply said 'i havnt meant to be rude, i just dont know what to say'. He replied and said he wants to know im ok, because he still cares about me, but said maybe not talking to him is what i want. Couldnt be further from what I want :(
Onto a less depressing topic, i thought id share some (drunken) pictures from Halloween, as i've been so slack at posting! I dressed up oh so originally as a slutty devil, whilst my more inventive friend Crissy dressed as dead minnie mouse.

I really need a new Halloween costume, i think iv recycled this corset/tutu number for the past Halloween and Christmas too! Big night out with the girls planned for tomorrow, very excited :) Who needs men when you have friends x

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I'm all alone for the first time in four years. The Crush ended things yesterday, and even though I wasn't anywhere close to being in love with him, I feel like i've had my heart wrenched out. I'm not unfamiliar to this feeling...I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 and a half years and in that time he cheated on me, and broke up with me three times. And i LOVED him - i know what it feels like to have a broken heart. This isn't a broken heart but its a wounded heart. I really, really liked him :( We had all the signs of a relationship. We saw each other regularly, i'd had dinner with his best friend and his partner, i'd met his siblings, my parents had had dinner with his mum, we'd been on holiday (I'm left with a printed photograph of us on a looking so happy, him looking as miserable as the camel, what do i do with it? I've hidden it away in my bedside drawer for the time being. Burning it is excessive and i dont feel ready to throw it away just yet...) we spent a happy fireworks night letting off our own fireworks in his garden, nearly setting fire to ourselves and firing a rocket that the wind took inches away from the neighbours Sky dish. I was so happy. He was happy. If i could turn back time to Sunday morning when I changed everything..well, i dont know if i would. I would because i'd still wake up happy, knowing that I had such a gorgeous guy in my life, but in reality i wouldn't because in the longrun me and my heart are much better off. He had underlying family issues, couldnt commit to an actual relationship (for the last six months we've been 'seeing each other'..practically a couple in every way, or so i thought) and that because he didnt like me enough to be able to open up about things, he said he wasnt sure about our future. Essentially I was a distraction from unhappy thoughts. In a way im so glad I was able to take his mind off things and make him happy, but at the same time i'm gutted that what i thought was the makings of a happy relationship was infact never ever going to turn into one. If i'd never asked him why he wont commit to being my boyfriend, i'd still be blissfully unaware that me and Crush were going nowhere. Sure we liked each other lots, we had fun, but we were going nowhere. It was like a slap in the face. I cried, he cried, it seemed so stupid that two people who really liked one another were 'breaking up', completely illogical.He drove me home, and as we pulled up outside 'Stereo Heart' came on the radio and i jabbed the button for silence, i can't listen to that song right now. I cant think about fireworks, or Lanzarote, and if i smell Paco Rabanne's One Million aftershave i'm bound to have an emotional breakdown. I sat in his car, made one last desperate attempt to see if the situation could be rectified, and he said 'i cant give you what you need, what you deserve'...and with that I leant over to hug him, kissed him (why did i do that? why?? I couldnt bare the thought of not getting to kiss him again, he was a bloody good kisser) and got out of the car. I don't think i've stopped crying since. People at work are sympathetic. My friends are diamonds. The consensus is the same - 'you can do so much better' 'hes not worth it' 'theres a million other guys out there who would kill to take his place'. Funnily enough the day before, I had a mystery 'package' delivered to my the form of the most beautiful bouquet of 12 red roses. Initially the source was a mystery, but now I know who it is, and it truely did what it was intended to do, made me smile on a day that was otherwise very unhappy.

There are people who care about me, and i'm so, so greatful for that.
It's hard though, so so hard. To go from talking to someone every single day, to not talking at all, and wishing so hard that their name would flash up on a text on my phone. But theres no point, talking to him wont change how he feels. Now im free to meet someone who does want to be with me, and want to care about me the way i want to care about someone. I just want to fall in love again, without the cheating and the breakups this time please, and be happy. I just want to be happy. At least Molly makes me happy.