I'm all alone for the first time in four years. The Crush ended things yesterday, and even though I wasn't anywhere close to being in love with him, I feel like i've had my heart wrenched out. I'm not unfamiliar to this feeling...I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 and a half years and in that time he cheated on me, and broke up with me three times. And i LOVED him - i know what it feels like to have a broken heart. This isn't a broken heart but its a wounded heart. I really, really liked him :( We had all the signs of a relationship. We saw each other regularly, i'd had dinner with his best friend and his partner, i'd met his siblings, my parents had had dinner with his mum, we'd been on holiday (I'm left with a printed photograph of us on a camel..me looking so happy, him looking as miserable as the camel, what do i do with it? I've hidden it away in my bedside drawer for the time being. Burning it is excessive and i dont feel ready to throw it away just yet...) we spent a happy fireworks night letting off our own fireworks in his garden, nearly setting fire to ourselves and firing a rocket that the wind took inches away from the neighbours Sky dish. I was so happy. He was happy. If i could turn back time to Sunday morning when I changed everything..well, i dont know if i would. I would because i'd still wake up happy, knowing that I had such a gorgeous guy in my life, but in reality i wouldn't because in the longrun me and my heart are much better off. He had underlying family issues, couldnt commit to an actual relationship (for the last six months we've been 'seeing each other'..practically a couple in every way, or so i thought) and that because he didnt like me enough to be able to open up about things, he said he wasnt sure about our future. Essentially I was a distraction from unhappy thoughts. In a way im so glad I was able to take his mind off things and make him happy, but at the same time i'm gutted that what i thought was the makings of a happy relationship was infact never ever going to turn into one. If i'd never asked him why he wont commit to being my boyfriend, i'd still be blissfully unaware that me and Crush were going nowhere. Sure we liked each other lots, we had fun, but we were going nowhere. It was like a slap in the face. I cried, he cried, it seemed so stupid that two people who really liked one another were 'breaking up', completely illogical.He drove me home, and as we pulled up outside 'Stereo Heart' came on the radio and i jabbed the button for silence, i can't listen to that song right now. I cant think about fireworks, or Lanzarote, and if i smell Paco Rabanne's One Million aftershave i'm bound to have an emotional breakdown. I sat in his car, made one last desperate attempt to see if the situation could be rectified, and he said 'i cant give you what you need, what you deserve'...and with that I leant over to hug him, kissed him (why did i do that? why?? I couldnt bare the thought of not getting to kiss him again, he was a bloody good kisser) and got out of the car. I don't think i've stopped crying since. People at work are sympathetic. My friends are diamonds. The consensus is the same - 'you can do so much better' 'hes not worth it' 'theres a million other guys out there who would kill to take his place'. Funnily enough the day before, I had a mystery 'package' delivered to my office...in the form of the most beautiful bouquet of 12 red roses. Initially the source was a mystery, but now I know who it is, and it truely did what it was intended to do, made me smile on a day that was otherwise very unhappy.
There are people who care about me, and i'm so, so greatful for that.
It's hard though, so so hard. To go from talking to someone every single day, to not talking at all, and wishing so hard that their name would flash up on a text on my phone. But theres no point, talking to him wont change how he feels. Now im free to meet someone who does want to be with me, and want to care about me the way i want to care about someone. I just want to fall in love again, without the cheating and the breakups this time please, and be happy. I just want to be happy. At least Molly makes me happy.